Something stinks in Portland

Thursday April 14, 2011

Brian Monteith observes a new trend in perfume prohibition Stateside

Pinch yourself, check your diary, look at your moby – no, it’s not April Fool’s day, that passed over a week ago, but the news that a city council in that great bastion of freedom, the United States, has banned scent could make you think The Free Society is pulling your leg.

But it’s true.

The City Council of Portland has adopted a fragrance-free policy that will be enforced on all of its employees. And it’s not just cheap scent that might offend the Portland councillors’ famed progressive attitudes; the new law covers body lotions, hairspray and deodorants, as well as cologne, perfumes and after-shaves.

To work effectively, of course, laws have to be definitive in the detail and this new law is going to be a rich vein of moolah for Portland lawyers as it only bans “too much” scent. How much is too much? That remains unanswered, for the councillors felt that it was impossible to ban sweet smells altogether, they just knew they wanted to ban scent, so the definition of what is “too much” has been left for the courts to work out. Watch that space.

The reasoning behind the law is that council employees wearing too much scent or heavily scented preparations that aim to disguise the smell of hard work (or more likely faulty air-conditioning) are viewed as a health hazard to people such as Asthma sufferers. No doubt children will also be used as an excuse at a later stage when the ban is extended to public places.

Apparently some laboratory rats became more agitated than normal when liberally doused in Poison of the Christian Dior variety. Well, wouldn’t we all? Actually, I’m making that up, there was no evidence base for the Portland councillors’ decision, but as sure as eggs are eggs there will be a taxpayer-funded research programme providing after-the-fact justification for other legislatures to follow where Portland has dared tread.

There will also be reports of a significant fall in asthma attacks in Portland council’s offices, justifying the ban and giving credence for a legal order about what colour of ties can be worn (to avoid seizures and epileptic fits), what length of skirts are allowed (to reduce male fainting) and the availability of fatty foods in the canteen (oops! that one’s been done already).

It’s an often-observed phenomenon that what starts in America spreads across the whole of that continent and swims across the Atlantic to the shores of Britain. The two questions to ask are which council will be first to ban scent in the UK? Lambeth? Bath? Edinburgh? (I would suggest Sheffield might be the last.) More importantly, how long before the ban on scent crosses the counter and is extended to citizens coming in to public buildings?

I can just see it now: “I’m sorry madam, but I cannot accept your parking fine, your scent is irritating my eczema and I must ask you to leave the building.” Or what about “Excuse me sir, but you cannot deposit your rubbish at this recycling centre, your Hai Karate is overpowering the environmental attendants.”

In Portland BO is good, the sweet scent of gardenias, rose petals or musk is bad. Horses sweat, men perspire, women glow – but in Portland people will pong. You can be honking and it’s okay, but if you’re fragrant your finished.

What’s wrong with just asking people to tone down their scents? Did Portland really need a law in place of good manners? How perverse, but how utterly predictable of small-minded government.
Whatever you think, don’t turn your nose up at this law – it will be wafting its way to your politicians’ within the next few years.

Brian Monteith is author of The Bully State: The End of Tolerance, published by The Free Society (2009) and available on Amazon